


so close, yet so far away

by fulIsun



Category: NCT (Band)
Genre: Angst, Angst with a Happy Ending, Confessions, Drinking Games, Frustration, Gay Chicken, Hurt/Comfort, Jealousy, M/M, Tension, but make it sexual, dotae, idiots to lovers, markhyuck mentioned, pinning
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-09-26
Updated: 2020-09-26
Packaged: 2021-03-08 03:48:37
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 10,132
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/26529244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/fulIsun/pseuds/fulIsun
Summary: The relationship between Taeyong and Doyoung has never been one between friends, but neither one between lovers. It was somewhere in between, they were close—but never close enough, until they weren't anymore.
Relationships: Kim Dongyoung | Doyoung/Lee Taeyong, Lee Donghyuck | Haechan/Mark Lee
Comments: 8
Kudos: 131





	so close, yet so far away

**Author's Note:**

> hello again! im back with another fic, but this time way longer :D
> 
> hope you enjoy!

Taeyong doesn't know where exactly it went wrong, since he doesn't remember them fighting, he just woke up one day with that huge wall built between them, he doesn't know how, when, or why it happened. The night before they were in the same bed watching a movie, laughing together and having a good time, like usual. Only for Taeyong to wake up the next day to Doyoung gone. When he went looking for him, and found him on the couch, he smiled and went over to hug him, but Doyoung pushed him away without any explanation. He thought that maybe Doyoung was having a bad day, but that wasn't the case since the following days went by the same, them barely talking, and Doyoung giving Taeyong the cold shoulder everytime he tries having a conversation with him.

Taeyong is getting frustrated, because why the fuck is Doyoung treating him like that? He tried asking him a few times, to either be met with silence or a series of "Nothing is wrong."s and "I'm fine"s. So he let him be, despite being deeply hurt.

They don't keep secrets from each others, that's how it always been, other than Doyoung treating him like shit and treating the other members normally, the fact that Doyoung doesn't want to tell him what's going on hurt a little bit more, because he feels like he doesn't trust him anymore, that maybe, he has outgrown him, and found someone better.

The thought made so many of his nights sleepless from the heartache, with the cause only a few feet away, on the bed right next to him.

"Good morning, Taeyong-hyung." Mark says when he sees the older, earning a small smile from him, "Good morning, Mark." He greets back.

Their roommates are all aware of Doyoung's and Taeyong's ongoing issue, though they don't know what happened, the tense atmosphere and awkwardness in the air whenever the two are in the same room still affects them, to the point they try avoiding it sometimes, making them split up even without meaning to.

Taeyong makes his way to the kitchen, to get the only thing that helps him go through the long, awkward days: coffee, then makes his way to the living room next to Mark, "What are you watching?" He asks, "I don't know, I woke up and found Donghyuck watching it, then he went out with Jaehyun somewhere." Taeyong hums and focuses on the drama playing, maybe it will distract him from the drama going on in his own life. 

But as usual, it doesn't, as his mind wanders to the same thing— rather, person he has been thinking of for the past days: Doyoung. How he's been, what's going on, if he's thinking about him too, if he's planning to talk to him normally again, and other million thoughts that it gets too overwhelming like it always does, and he gets up making his way to his room, mind absent as he sits on bed, feeling his throat close up by the second, so he lays down, grabs his plushie and hugs it tightly, feeling the tears beginning to roll down his face, his coffee long forgotten on the nightstand as he cries himself to sleep.

The hand shaking his sleeping figure makes his eyes flutter open, making him stare directly at Donghyuck's grinning face. "Hi, hyung." Taeyong groans and hides his eyes with his arms, "We are having a drinking session, do you want to join us?" Donghyuck speaks carefully, to not add to the older's possible headache. In any other circumstances, Taeyong would have said no, but he really really needs a drink, and a break from reality, so he gets up and follows Donghyuck to the living room, where the rest of his friends are seated in a circle, he makes eye contact with Doyoung for a second before the younger turns his head away, face so expressionless it makes Taeyong's heart drop, but he still makes his way to sit next to Johnny, Haechan joining him shortly after.

"Jaehyun, hand a bottle to Taey-"

"Make that two." Taeyong interrupts, not missing the way Doyoung's eyebrow shoots up, before his face goes back to being blank. Jaehyun doesn't say anything and just hands the bottles to Taeyong, nodding when Taeyong mutters a "Thank you."

He opens the first bottle, taking a small sip at first, his throat burning. He takes a bigger gulp next, then another, finishing the bottle. He ignores the concerned look Mark gives him and opens the second bottle, deciding to take small sips, since he can already feel the effect kicking in, and he can't handle alcohol that well.

"This is so booooring," Taeyong whines, leaning onto johnny and resting his head on his shoulder, "Can we play something else? Truth or dare is no fun! And we already know almost everything about each others, cmon!" 

"Okay then, since you want something exciting, why don't we play gay chicken?" Taeyong takes a few moments to process the words coming out of Jaehyun's mouth, but before he can ask about what gay chicken is, Taeil beats him to it.

"Basically someone chooses two people from the same sex to make out, and the first one to pull away loses and gets called a gay chicken."

"That's it?" Johnny asks, "Yup." And Jaehyun answers.

"Sounds fun, let's do it."

Donghyuck says and most of them agree, Taeyong is too drunk to comprehend what's being said, but he heard the word "Fun" So he won't complain.

"Okay i'll go first!" Jungwoo says, looking around until his eyes land on Mark, a devilish grin on his face, "Mark and Donghyuck, you go." Both their eyes widen, and Mark looks down on the floor shyly, while Donghyuck takes a deep breath, standing up and making his way towards Mark. He sits down facing him, placing his hand on his right cheek, as he leans in and connects their lips, Mark gasps at first, but kisses back slowly, trying his best not to smile so it isn't obvious he is enjoying this a bit too much. Donghyuck pulls away, and is about to go back in to give Mark a few more pecks, but his friends yelling "GAY CHICKEN!" Startles him and he pulls away slightly panicking, both him and Mark red in the face. 

"Ooookay…. I'll go next.." Jaehyun hums, taking a bit longer than Jungwoo to make a decision, "Ah! I know. Taeyong and Johnny!" Taeyong raises his head that was previously buried in Johnny's neck, on the mention of his name, "What?" He says, his eyesight blurry. "Here, drink some water." Someone offers raising a cup to his lips as Taeyong takes small sips. He feels his headache going away slowly, his mind beginning to become less hazy and his eyes focusing back to the faces around him, especially the one glaring daggers into the person holding his water cup. "Thank you." Taeyong says, in a normal voice this time, despite still being heavily drunk, and a bit sleepy, he is more aware of his surroundings now. And he puts his cup down, looking back at Jaehyun.

"What were you saying?"

"You. Johnny. Kiss."

Taeyong giggles, for some reason the sentence seems so funny to him, but he still turns to Johnny and smiles, positioning himself on his lap earning a gasp from somewhere in the circle, "I'm gonna kiss you now." Taeyong says and connects their lips instantly, it's wet and messy, with not much effort from both parties, since it's not an actual kiss, but Taeyong still tries his best to make it as enjoyable as he can in his drunken state.

Taeyong pulls away first, out of the need for air, and he gets up from Johnny's lap back to his spot on the floor, with his friends chanting "Gay chicken!" At him.

Jaehyun and Johnny then go next, by Taeil's request, then Jungwoo and Donghyuck, and now it's Yuta's turn to choose. He seems like he has already made up his mind ever since the game started, because he says "Doyoung and Taeyong." Without second thought. He earns a few disapproving looks from Johnny and Taeil, while Mark looks a bit terrified, and Jaehyun high fives him, whispering about how this might be a good idea.

Neither of them move, Taeyong just stares at Doyoung who has a pissed off expression on his face, that it's almost terrifying.

"Are you guys gonna do it or-"

"We'll do it," Doyoung says coldly, subtly throwing a glare Johnny's way as he gets up and makes his way towards the confused Taeyong. He sits down, and pulls Taeyong on his lap, while the older only squeals.

"Wha-" Taeyong begins to speak but gets interrupted by Doyoung's lips meeting his own, he's frozen at first, letting Doyoung do all the work until he realizes the current situation, and kisses him back. It's rough, with Doyoung's hand behind Taeyong's head pulling him in so he's as close as possible, and Taeyong loves it. Then Doyoung bites his bottom lip and he goes crazy, the younger's name leaves his mouth with a whine making Doyoung smirk and do it again, drawing a moan out of the older. Taeyong slips his hand under Doyoung's shirt, resting it flat on his chest, Making him gasp, and giving Taeyong access to his mouth, as he slips his tongue in.

"Um… Guys?"

Mark says, drawing both of them back to reality, making Doyoung pull away breathing heavily, as he stares wide eyed at the boy in his lap, who seems like he is in a daze. Johnny seems to notice Doyoung panicking, so he takes Taeyong off his lap, making Doyoung stand up and walk hurriedly to his room, muttering something about him being too tired to continue.

"What just happened..?"

Jungwoo asks, to no one in particular, and Yuta has an amused look on his face, as all of them stare at Taeyong whose eyes are now closed, with his head resting on Johnny's lap.

Taeyong groans as he feels the sun on his face, and he turns around to avoid his headache getting worse if he looks directly at the sun the second he wakes up, he can feel his shark plushie between his arms, and he smiles opening his eyes, only to find out he's not in his bed or his room. He furrows his eyebrows and gets up, looking around, trying to process why he isn't in his bed. then it dawns on him, everything that happened the night before, the crying, the drinking, the games, the kiss, "Oh my god, the kiss…" He whispers, his heart beating uncontrollably fast. 

He regrets waking up, he really really does, why couldn't he have forgotten everything that happened like normal drunk people? He's in distress, he doesn't know why, but he just is, and the fact that the only kiss he's thinking of is the one he shared with Doyoung adds to his distress. Why isn't he thinking about his kiss with Johnny? He should be, since he is friends with him too, it shouldn't be any different, right? Except it is, because everything has always been different when it came to Doyoung, whether he'll admit it or not. He always blamed it on them being close, that of course it'll be different, he's the closest one to me, it's normal! but now that he's not even sure if Doyoung considers him a close friend or not, he blames it on them having not talked in a long time, because what else could it be? 

"Rise and sh- Oh you're already awake, that's good." Johnny's voice interrupts his train of thoughts and he looks up to find the older walking in the room with a cup of water and what looks like painkillers. 

"You're a lifesaver." Taeyong says, voice still hoarse, and Johnny just smiles, handing him the pills and water. He gulps them down in an instant, praying that he feels better soon, or he's just going to use his only coping mechanism: Napping.

"Do you want coffee?"

"Please." Taeyong says and Johnny smiles "I got you," He leaves the room, probably to get them two cups of coffee, and Taeyong just stares blankly at the wall, his mind wandering back to the kiss.

"Are you ever going to leave the bed?"

Yuta asks turning the lights on making Taeyong hiss and shake his head, "What I am going to do is take another nap."

Yuta just shakes his head.

"Doyoung is worried, you know." Taeyong tenses, "What?" Yuta just scoffs.

"You haven't left your room all day, and you drank a lot too. So he sent me to check up on you."

"Why couldn't he have just asked Johnny?" Yuta chuckles.

"You really think he will normally talk to Johnny after what happened yesterday?" Taeyong looks away avoiding eye contact and the desire to think about what Yuta just implied, the mention of the previous night making him feel uneasy.

"Anyways, since i know you're okay now, i'll be going, i hope you feel well enough to leave the bed soon."

"For the love of god, just talk to him, he couldn't have kissed you like that if he didn't mean it." Taeyong says, directing the words to his reflection on the mirror, because he needs encouragement but is too embarrassed to ask other people for it.

"Whatever happens, happens, he can't possibly hurt you more."

A few minutes later, Taeyong finds himself standing outside his own room, waiting to muster enough courage to get inside. Having spent the whole day in Johnny's room, he haven't seen Doyoung at all, and he thought it would be a good thing, except it wasn't, since he kept thinking about him every second of the day, about how his lips felt against his own, how well they fit together, how he wants to do it again, again and again, until he gets sick of it, and he probably wouldn't.

Everytime he thinks about the kiss his heart flutters, and it's weird because it shouldn't, he can't be feeling this way about Doyoung of all people, Doyoung who hurt him and cut him off with no explanation, Doyoung who promised he would always be there for him but isn't, especially when he's the one causing him those negative feelings. He doesn't know how to feel about it, he doesn't know how to feel about him. but he brushes it off, focusing on the task at hand: Talking about that kiss.

Taeyong has no idea what to expect, and he thinks that's better than expecting a positive response and being met with a negative one, so he just hopes for the best as he opens the door and steps in.

Doyoung is sitting in his own bed, phone in hand being the only light source in the room aside from the window, but he still looks good, even in poor lightning, and Taeyong wishes he didn't.

"Hey," Taeyong says, and Doyoung just nods, then goes back to scrolling through his phone, "Can we talk?" Taeyong asks and Doyoung sighs, "What is it now?" 

"About that kiss."

"What about the kiss? It was a game, we all kissed people, ours wasn't any special." He says, voice drained of all emotions and Taeyong's heart breaks a little, "Then why did you kiss me like it was?" And Taeyong is met with silence. The same silence he has been trying to deal with for weeks, and it makes him mad, because he didn't do anything to deserve this, and even if he did, Doyoung should have talked to him about it, explained the situation to him so he can apologize, but he didn't. he's just treating Taeyong like he's at fault, and he's sick of it, sick of being the only one who seemingly cares, the only one trying to reach out, to help. So he decides, right here, right now, that he won't anymore. He knows it's easier said than done, but he's done chasing after Doyoung when the younger obviously doesn't want or need it.

"Fine! Be that way." He yells, walking out and slamming the door, and Doyoung feels bad, but he can't do anything about it, like always.

A few seconds later Jaehyun enters the room, and Doyoung guesses it's because he wanted to ask about what's going on, however he is proven wrong when Jaehyun says, "He asked me to switch with him." Fucking fantastic.

"Okay." Doyoung says, heart aching.

Taeyong lays down in bed, hours later, tossing and turning, unable to sleep, he huffs, his eyes watering. He scans the room for his plushie, but he can't seem to find it. He facepalms when he realizes he left it in his room, so he gets up slowly, hoping and praying Doyoung is asleep, since he doesn't want to face him, and makes his way to his old room. He slowly opens the door, carefully so he doesn't make any noise, and gets inside, and starts his search. He doesn't find it on his bed that is now occupied by Jaehyun, he doesn't find it in the wardrobe, the floor, under the bed, and he almost gives up, until he turns to Doyoung's bed to find him hugging it, sound asleep.

Taeyong is upset, how can he sleep so normally when he is the sole reason Taeyong hasn't had a good sleep in a while? And how dare he touch his plushie, does he think he can get away with it after treating him like that? But then taeyong looks at his face, at the tiny crease between his eyebrows, at the pout formed on his lips, and he sighs.

Maybe, someone else needs the shark's comfort tonight.

Morning comes carrying new feelings and regret much to Doyoung's disliking, but he still manages to get up, shower and make his way to the kitchen, to see Donghyuck eating pancakes, and Johnny making more. He runs his hand through his hair and sit down, Johnny smiles at him and Doyoung tries his best to smile back, after a few seconds Johnny places a plate filled with pancakes in front of Doyoung, and his mouth waters, just as they hear the sound of a door opening and closing, and they see Taeyong making his way to the kitchen table. "Good morning, Taeyong!"

"Morning, Johnny-hyung." Taeyong says, pulling the plate in front of Doyoung and carrying it, then turning around and starting to make his way back to the room, "Hey! That is mine." 

"I don't see your name written on it."

Doyoung just purses his lips.

"Cmon, Taeyong, give it back to him and i'll make more for you."

Johnny says groaning.

"No." Comes the response, then the sound of a door closing shortly after, signalling his arrival to the room.

"I'll make some more," Johnny says sighing and Doyoung just nods with a frown on his face.

Doyoung and Jaehyun went out, Taeyong knows that because Jaehyun asked Johnny if he wanted to tag along, only for Johnny to decline. It still upsets Taeyong how Doyoung can act normally around his friends but not with him, it's been weeks since they've last hung out together, alone. He wanted to convince himself that he doesn't care, although he knows he does. but if that's what Doyoung wants, then fine, he'll pretend he doesn't exist too.

He's sitting on the couch, watching videos of animals to hopefully make himself feel better, when he hears the door opening, followed by his name being muttered with a groan, he freezes.

"Stay still, buddy."

Says the voice that Taeyong recognises as Jaehyun's, and he looks up, seeing him with a seemingly drunk Doyoung leaning against him with his arms around his neck. Doyoung has his eyes half closed, as he struggles to walk even with Jaehyun's help.

If he wasn't sure if he was hallucinating the first time or not, he is sure he isn't when he hears Doyoung muttering his name again, and he takes a deep, shaky breath. "He's not here, buddy." Taeyong's eyebrows shoot up, because Jaehyun is saying that while making eye contact with him, and he doesn't know if he's mad, or confused. Doyoung says his name once again, and Jaehyun replies with "Cmon, let's get you to bed." Disappearing with him as he enters their room. And Taeyong feels like screaming his lungs out.

"Maybe he was drunk and didn't see you?" Johnny says, watching Taeyong pacing around the room with a pissed off expression.

"No, he was perfectly sober and he looked me dead in the eyes when he told him I'm not there. Can you believe it? Stupid fucker."

"I don't know, Taeyong, maybe he has his reasons?"

"Why are you siding with him? And what reason can justify him not letting Doyoung talk to me?" Johnny sighs. "I'm not siding with anyone, but we don't know his side of the story, also Doyoung was too drunk, he wouldn't have been able to talk to you anyways." Taeyong just lets out a frustrated groan.

"Whatever, I'm gonna talk to him and we'll see."

For the second time in two days, Taeyong finds himself standing in front of the room he willingly left, but this time he feels a little braver since he knows a certain someone isn't there, only Jaehyun. 

He twists the knob and walks in, with a frown on his face. Jaehyun finishes putting his shirt on and smiles at Taeyong, "Ah hyung, how are you?" 

"Are you dating Doyoung?"

Taeyong asks, making the smile fall from Jaehyun's face, "Excuse me?" Taeyong scoffs. "Are you dating Doyoung?" He repeats, slower. but it still doesn't decrease Jaehyun's confusion one bit.

"No?"

"You don't sound so sure."

"No, Taeyong. I am not dating Doyoung. Where did that even come from?"

Jaehyun sighs, not sure why Taeyong is suddenly acting like that.

"Then why did you not let him talk to me? You heard him call for me, and you knew I was there, so why?"

"Aah, i see. So that's what this is about."

Taeyong looks away, kind of embarrassed. "We spent the whole night together, do you think your name is the only thing he had muttered?" This makes Taeyong freeze, because this sentence can hold so many meanings, and he doesn't think he's ready to know which one of them is the right one.

"And to answer your question, I stopped him because he isn't ready." Jaehyun pauses, "I also think it's best for him to not talk to you right now." Taeyong fumes.

"Oh and now you think you know Doyoung better than me?"

"I hate to admit it, Taeyong. But right now… I think I do." Taeyong grabs Jaehyun by the collar, glaring at him. He tries thinking of anything he can say, any response, something that can prove Jaehyun wrong, but he finds none. The only thing he can think of is how Jaehyun just proved the thoughts that have been pushed to the back of Taeyong's mind, right.

He lets go, making sure to push Jaehyun back a little, and makes his way back to his room, where he, for the first time in a while, cries himself to sleep.

His eyes water as he coughs for the third time in the same minute, and he prays for this nightmare to end, because he really really hates being sick, "Don't worry, hyung. You're gonna be better in no time, i promise!" Donghyuck says, rubbing his tummy slowly, to provide some sort of comfort, and Taeyong is thankful, but he is also kind of scared he might get Donghyuck sick, even though he knows he rarely does.

He doesn't know why he's sick, he did walk in the rain the day before, but it isn't enough to make him unable to leave the bed, right? His housemates have taken turns taking care of him, all of them except Doyoung, and he can't deny he is a little disappointed, even after everything that happened.

It's weird to him how badly he still cares about Doyoung, despite everything he made him go through, he just can't stop caring, maybe it's because he's holding on to the good memories they shared, maybe— as he recently came to that conclusion, because he likes him, probably more than he should, but there's no way around it, he figured.

Who wouldn't fall for Kim Doyoung anyways? Especially if they get the chance to know him like Taeyong did, to learn about his feelings and opinions, about his darkest thoughts and secrets, about the old Doyoung and how different he is now, about how much he grew up as a person, it made him see him in a different light, definitely a better one.

The night comes, and Taeyong is alone again. He can't bring himself to fall asleep, despite wanting to, and it frustrates him more that he can't get up and stargaze, which is the only thing that brings him comfort in the dead hours of the night. He doesn't have company as well, since he told Johnny he should sleep in Yuta's room in fear of him getting infected, and despite the older's protests, he still did it. And now Taeyong is left alone with his thoughts again.

If there is one good thing about being sick, it's the distraction, his constant coughing, sneezing, and spending most of the time sleeping, made him not think about certain things as much as he did before, and that is a luxury he would like to enjoy while it lasts.

He furrows his eyebrows when he hears the soft knocks at his bedroom door just as another cough makes its way out of his throat, the door opens and Taeyong hold his breath the second he sees Doyoung's head sticking inside the room, looking directly at Taeyong, after the first time in weeks, gaze lingering.

"Hey," Doyoung's voice is shaky, as he sits down on the chair next to Taeyong's bed, he looks around, heart racing, begging quietly to burst out of his chest, but unfortunately for Doyoung, it doesn't. Taeyong's "Hi," Can barely be heard, due to his sore throat and continuous coughing, but Doyoung still manages to catch on, smiling nervously at the older.

"How ar- No, no, im sorry, that's a… pretty stupid question, im sorry."

Taeyong just shakes his head and blasters a small smile on his face, despite the confusion, nervousness and dread for whatever Doyoung wants to say.

"I'm just gonna cut to the chase," He then takes a deep breath staring at the wall right in front of him, "I have told you before, that my biggest fear is death, whether it is mine, or my loved ones'. And now i'm here to take that back, and tell you about my actual biggest fear,"

"And that is— Losing you." Taeyong's eyebrows shoot up, as well as his heart rate, he stares at Doyoung like he has just grown out a second head, but in reality the only thing Doyoung grew, is a tiny garden in Taeyong's stomach, filled with all his favourite flowers, with diana fritillaries, colorado hairstreaks, and mexican bluewings flying around, the sun giving their fluttering wings a perfect glow, a bit similar to the one Doyoung used to give Taeyong's face every time he saw him. Used to. 

a cold, gloomy feeling replaces the warmness in his belly at the realization, his face twisting into a frown, as he takes a deep, shaky breath.

"You can call me a coward, cause that's really all i am for waiting all this time to tell you, and i'm so sorry for that." Doyoung says observing Taeyong's face, with his eyes holding a mix of emotions that make Doyoung more nervous, but he can't back out now. Taeyong feels everything he has felt for the past month and a half rush back to him, the confusion, the anger, the hurting, the sadness, the crying, the sleepless nights with his racing mind refusing to shut the fuck up, and all these emotions weigh down on his chest, making him feel like he's unable to breath, so he begins taking deep breaths, trying to calm himself down.

"I have been trying to keep myself away from you, just so I dont lose you, only bec-" Doyoung is interrupted by Taeyong's arms shooting up, pointing towards the door, and It's Doyoung's turn to feel confused.

Taeyong huffs, grabbing his phone from the nightstand to start writing furiously. A ding echoes in the empty room, and Doyoung fetches his phone out of his pocket, staring at the notification he just got.

taeyongie

get out doyoung, i'm not in the mood for this.

"But we need to talk about it, I can't take us acting like strangers anymore."

taeyongie

oh you think we should talk about it? maybe you should have decided that sooner, when i asked you countless times about it, about what's wrong with you, what's wrong with us, and you just brushed it off.

not everything is going to go your way, doyoung. especially if it involves other people's feelings. but you wouldn't understand that, would you? because you won't even consider thinking about anyone else but yourself.

—

"I'm just going for a walk, Johnny!" Taeyong says through giggles as he tries escaping from Johnny's embrace. "I know! But you just got better, what if it rains and you get sick again? What if you feel that you're not feeling as better as you thought you are? I worry, you know."

"I know, I know. I'll be careful, okay? And I promise to come back if I even feel the slightest bit off."

"You better." With that Taeyong leaves, inhaling fresh air for the first time in a week, that he spent all of in bed being sick, and he can't be more grateful for getting better. Especially since the weather is warm, sky slightly cloudy and the sun not too bright, he smiles and starts making his way down the steps, and to the pavement.

He feels nice, despite certain events and for the first time in a while, he is able to push away the negative thoughts and feelings, and enjoy himself. He thinks that maybe, he just needed a distraction, even if it isn't permanent, maybe he just needed to breathe air that isn't too filled with Doyoung to the point it's suffocating.

He grins widely when he sees the swing unoccupied, and he runs towards it and sits down, he stares at the soil underneath his shoes, a warm smile on his face, and he kicks. It's a weak one at first, giving the swing a small push, then it gets stronger, and stronger, until he is almost flying, his loud laughs echoing through the playground.

He missed this, the feeling of freedom, like he's on top of the world, each and every one of his worries leaving his body with every swing, every kick. And only leaving his pure soul, to almost, become one with the wind.

He slows down, coming to a halt, and he looks around almost breathless, he gets up, making his way to the tree standing in the middle of the park with wobbly steps. He lays down on the grass right there, looking up at the little bit of sunlight seeping through the leaves of the tree, and he smiles, his chest moving up and down in an unsteady pace. He unlocks his phone, and starts recording the music of nature.

The second he steps foot in the house, he is reminded of the ugly feelings and thoughts he should be facing and sorting out as he sees Doyoung sitting on the kitchen stool. Doyoung just eyes him silently, eyes probably giving away more than what he would want them to.

They have barely spoken after that night, and Taeyong too busy being sick, he hasn't had enough time to think about anything that happened, especially since his cold got worse the following day. But now that he does, he realizes how weird everything is, like why Doyoung decided they should talk when he was sick and voiceless, and what did he mean by he had to keep himself away so he doesn't lose him? And why did Doyoung think he gets to choose when they should talk and when they shouldn't, especially since he pushed Taeyong away every time he tried reaching out? Everything was just so confusing to Taeyong. And he knew he had to talk to Doyoung if he wanted to get rid of the confusion, but not before giving him a taste of his own medicine, even if it hurts Taeyong, too.

He knows he's being petty, but who can blame him?

Even though he knows he should be mad at Doyoung, certain words can't seem to leave his mind, making his heart flutter every time he thinks of them. "I'm here to take it back and tell you about my actual biggest fear, and that is, losing you.", and it frustrates him, how easy Doyoung can change his mood with just a bunch of words, even if they might not be true. 

The sentence still made Taeyong happy, because it made him feel like nothing changed, that it's all still the same, when in reality— It isn't. Their relationship isn't the same as it used to be, and who knows if it will ever go back to the way it was. Taeyong can only wish.

"You can't just do this, Taeyong. You both need it" Johnny says drawing a sigh out of Taeyong. "I know, but me giving in the second he asks me to talk while he has been pushing me away everytime i asked him hurts my ego a little bit." Johnny hums.

"What's more important to you, Doyoung or your ego?"

And oh Johnny really shouldn't have said that.

Taeyong spends the whole night thinking about scenarios of how it's gonna go, after deciding that he might give Doyoung a chance to talk and explain himself, too many scenarios that it made him stay up for hours, eventually passing out from exhaustion.

He wakes up the next day and makes his way downstairs to the kitchen, to find Doyoung already there, he takes a deep breath and runs his hand through his hair, directing a, "Hi," That startles the boy who is facing the coffee machine, as he turns around. "Oh, Taeyong, hey." He says with an uncertain tone and Taeyong points to the coffee machine with his head.

"Are you making coffee?"

"Uh, yeah? Why else would i be here..."

Taeyong mentally facepalms at how stupid that question was, but this is the least of his worries now. "Can you make some for me too?"

Doyoung raises his eyebrow but doesn't question Taeyong's behaviour as he mutters a "Yeah," and turns back around, the feeling of Taeyong's eyes on the back of his head making him tense, as he waits patiently for the coffee machine.

He feels a hand resting on his shoulder and his breathing hitch, becoming more tense as he feels Taeyong muttering a breathy "Relax." which doesn't help him relax in the slightest.

"How about you go sit down, and I'll bring the coffee then we can chat a little, sounds good?"

Taeyong's tone drives Doyoung insane, he can't tell what exactly about it that he finds so attractive, but whatever it is- He hates it, and love it at the same time, he hates the effect Taeyong has on him, but the feeling is unmatched, everything about Taeyong is. 

So he nods, heart hammering against his chest as he passes the yawning Taeyong and makes his way to the livingroom, taking a seat on the couch, unable to proccees whatever the fuck is happening.

He thought Taeyong is mad at him, but why is he treating him sweetly and smiling at him like that, and what are they going to chat about when Taeyong made it pretty clear he doesn't want to talk to Doyoung?

He hears footsteps coming closer, and he straightens his back and puts a small smile on his face as Taeyong puts a cup of coffee in front of him, and sits down with his own in between his hands, taking a small sip.

"So, what did you want to talk about?"

Doyoung asks, nervousness visible in his voice as he stares at the boy sinking down in the couch.

"Our ongoing issue," Doyoung's blood runs cold. "Don't you think it's time to address it?"

"But i thought you didn't want t—"

"I realized it'd be better if we talk it out now, instead of staying silent and making things worse for us and our friends." It's weird, the tone Taeyong is using, all formal and cautious, not like the soft, giggly tone Doyoung is used to, and it makes Doyoung frown a bit.

"Okay, we'll talk. But," Doyoung sighs, making it very obvious how tired he is, "Can you drop this? And talk to me normally?"

"Normally how?" Taeyong says raising an eyebrow.

"You're treating me like a stranger, I'm your friend." 

Taeyong chuckles humorlessly, "Really? Because I remember you telling me that this is how you normally talked to me, your friend, while using the same exact tone and said I'm imagining things."

"Taeyong…."

"You know what, I'm not gonna turn this into a fight, I'm gonna hear you out first then we're going to fight, because I'm sure after we're done talking we're gonna have a lot to fight about."

"Taey—" 

"Speak," Taeyong interrupts roughly, voice raised a little, "Before I change my mind and leave."

Doyoung too scared of the consequences of his silence, takes a deep breath and stares at Taeyong's face, expression uncertain.

"That night, when we were watching a movie, I had already known I liked you for quite some time and I was okay with it because I wasn't planning on acting on my feelings or confessing or anything. But— it got a bit too overwhelming for me that night, you were laughing and it made my heart beat like crazy, i was swooning, because wow i really am the cause of that laugh just because of a silly comment i made? it made me realize… I want more of that, more movie nights and more forgetting about life and focusing on just– you, but not only that, i wanted to kiss and hold you, i wanted to– love you, but i knew it wasn't possible. having you that close yet still out of reach felt like hell to me, and i wanted to get rid of it so bad.

Loving you wasn't the problem, it felt nice and warm, like the feeling you get when you drink a cup of hot chocolate on a cold night, it left my heart trembling with joy and warmth, left me breathless on so many levels, but it felt good, i wouldn't trade it for the world. Then I started thinking about how it would feel sharing that with you, knowing you feel the same about me too, that I have the same effect. And the problem was— That i knew you don't. Like me, i mean, and it made me really upset, with myself and my feelings, because why the fuck did i let myself fall in love with a person that can never be min-"

Doyoung is startled by the hand covering his mouth, and the thigh so close to his own. He looks up to find Taeyong staring at him with a broken expression, chest moving up and down in an uneven, almost concerning rhythm. “Stop… Please.”

His voice is shaky and it makes Doyoung wonder about what exactly is he thinking, and if he should be worried about what his next action is, but he nods his head nonetheless making Taeyong slowly remove his hand and turn away from him, sitting on the edge of the couch and holding on to it so tightly, a moment of silence passes and Doyoung grows more concerned by the second about Taeyong’s wellbeing. 

“Are… you okay?” He asks, and Taeyong still doesnt turn around to face him, but he manages to voice out a “Yes… Just a bit overwhelmed is all.” despite the too many feelings crawling up his throat trying to silence him.

Doyoung wonders if his next move would actually help, but he used to hold Taeyong’s hand whenever he felt like that, it would take time, yes, and a bit of sweet words, but he eventually would calm down, and that's what encourages the younger to reach out for the hand that almost turns white from how hard Taeyong is grabbing the couch and tags on it slightly, making the older’s head jerk towards him, before his gaze softens and he gives in, connecting their hands, and forgetting about everything for a brief moment. 

Seeing that there is no negative response from Taeyong, Doyoung is filled with a bit of courage, so he uses his other hand to run through Taeyong’s hair, a gesture that the older silently appreciates, not that he will ever admit.

After Taeyong’s breathing is back to normal and he is calmed down, he is brought back to reality, thinking about how he is supposed to be hearing Doyoung’s explanation, not being all domestic with him, so he clears his throat, pulling his hand from Doyoung’s swiftly and taking a deep breath. “Do you really….”

“I went on a whole rant about how you make my heart tremble and basically told you i want to grow old with you, so pretty much yeah.”

On any other occasion this would have Taeyong giggling and swooning, but he has to get his answers first, then he can make time for fanboying.

“But- I don’t understand… If you like me that much why did you push me away?”

Doyoung sighs.

“I told you that the thought of you not feeling the same way upsetted me, so I decided to move on, and get rid of my feelings for good, so I thought that maybe- If we arent as close, the feelings will go away, but boy was I wrong. It turned out to be way worse. I missed you every night, and every time you would try talking to me i would panic because i was always on the verge of confessing, and that would probably result in me having to forcefully let you go, and i couldn't stand the thought. You not liking me back is one thing, but you deciding to cut me off because of it is-”

“So you decided it for me.” Taeyong interrupts with a cold expression, and it makes Doyoung nervous that he can't tell how Taeyong is feeling right now. "Well if you put it like that-"

"So there was a possibility I don't have feelings for you, and a possibility I'd cut you off if you confessed, and you decided that they're both bound to happen without asking me, who is supposed to be making the decision." Doyoung just stays silent.

“You mean to tell me, all the nights that i spent wondering where it all went wrong, could've been spent on dates and make out sessions if you had the balls to confess?” Doyoung opens his mouth and closes it just as Taeyong sighs loudly, “You don’t get to make decisions for me Doyoung! Do you know how much different the situation would have been if you just asked me a simple question? Hell… Even if you wasn't ready, you could've told me you're going through something personal and isn't ready to tell me, or that you need time, a break, it would have hurt yes, but way less than me staying up all night thinking about how i'm no longer important to you, that i have been replaced, abandoned, just for the sole reason of being me.” Saying this made Taeyong recall all the feelings he spent hours drowning in, all the sleepless nights, the panic attacks, the crying, all the deadly thoughts that could've been avoided if they talked sooner.

Doyoung holds his breath and stares at Taeyong in disbelief. His original plan was to not say anything until Taeyong is done with whatever he has to say, then he was going to explain, and ask for forgiveness because he could feel Taeyong getting angrier by the second and he didn't want to add to it.

However, the words "all the nights that i spent wondering where it all went wrong, could've been spent on dates and make out sessions if you had the balls to confess," replay in his head like a broken record, and the more they do, the more he refuses to believe they are anything more than hallucinations, because Taeyong definitely couldn't have said that. But, he still wanted to make sure, even if he dreads the answer.

"You… Like me back?"

Taeyong stares at him in disbelief, with a look that says "is that really all you got from what i said?" But Doyoung doesn't care, not until he gets the confirmation he has desired for quite some time at least.

"Yeah, Idiot! And with a single word you could've changed everything, you could've prevented the damage you caused to me, yourself and our relationship, but you didn't, and im so fucking mad at you for it."

Doyoung takes a moment to process everything he has been told, and it doesn't take long for him to realize that he is a fucking idiot. 

Taeyong huffs at the "Oh." Doyoung lets out and crosses his arms, "Are you not going to say anything?"

"I don't know, Taeyong, you keep talking about how much i hurt you and how i ruined everything for you when i was hurting too, you have no idea how much it hurt me seeing you everyday and not being able to even look at you, because i feared i might break," He pauses, debating on whether or not to continue, "But it happened anyways, so my efforts apparently.. weren't enough."

Taeyong furrows his eyebrows, he doesn't remember Doyoung ever "Breaking" because he pushed him away everytime, so when..?

Upon seeing the confusion on the older's face, Doyoung releases a sigh, preparing himself for the upcoming embarrassment, "It was when you and Johnny kissed."

Taeyong holds his breath. Due to Doyoung saying that the kiss meant nothing, and Taeyong's strong urge to stop caring about the younger despite his newly discovered feelings for him, he forced himself to not think about it, always pushing it to the back of his mind and distracting himself whenever the thought made its presence known. eventually he didn't have to force himself, it just happened naturally until he actually forgot, but now that he's reminded of it, of the feeling of Doyoung's lips between his own, of the noises they pulled out of one another, of the fireworks going off inside his chest and of how different and better it felt to kiss Doyoung than when he kissed anyone else. And with those thoughts in mind, he turns his head away from the younger, to avoid looking at him, or most specifically his lips, just to stop himself from doing something stupid, that he might not regret.

Doyoung is glad Taeyong didn't say anything, and that made him feel less embarrassed about it, even if the silence might not mean anything positive.

"You weren't the only one in pain, Taeyong, I was too." He whispers, eyes fixating on his own hands resting in his lap.

"But that was your choice! You did this to yourself and you had to live with the consequences, I, however, didn't do anything to deserve that treatment, or the pain, it's so unfair…"

Taeyong's voice breaks at the end, he really doesn't know what to say, or think. and it frustrates him that he understands where Doyoung is coming from but he still finds it so annoying that they could have avoided all this from the beginning.

"I know, and i regret it. And i have done so ever since i made that decision but i felt like it was for the best back then, and now i know it definitely wasn't, it was stupid of me to decide where our relationship is supposed to go without asking you, and im so sorry, for everything."

"You regret it?"

"Yes."

Taeyong nods, he doesn't know where he's going with this, but he desperately needs back a bit of the confidence he has lost in the past two months.

"So that means you still like me right? I'm still important to you and if you are put in the same situation again you wouldn't do it again?"

Doyoung smiles.

"Taeyong, I have never stopped liking you in the first place." He chuckles lightly, "And to answer your question, yes, you are the most important person to me, and i'm never making decisions for both of us ever again."

Taeyong feels like a huge weight has been lifted off his shoulder, the question he has been asking himself for weeks has finally been answered, not only that, but an answer that is so pleasing it will leave him grinning for days. And for the first time in a while, he gives Doyoung a huge genuine smile which the younger returns.

A moment of silence passes, with neither of them knowing what to say or do next, so they just stare at their surroundings, obviously avoiding eye contact.

"So," Doyoung is the first to break the silence, seeing as Taeyong doesn't look like he's going to speak anytime soon. "What now?"

The older takes a deep breath, he is looking for an answer himself, but can't seem to find one. "I don't know,", He answers truthfully.

"Do you need time? figuring out what you want us to do and to be, i mean." 

"God yes, i just need time to process everything I've been told and make a decision, deciding on the spot isn't something i'm fond of."

"I know, and of course, i'm giving you all the space you need." 

A week passes, and their friends still won't believe that they talked everything through–well, almost. They were even more surprised when they switched back so they are roommates again, however, everyone is glad that they will no longer have to live with the tension, or the continuous fear that some shit will ensue that will require them to step in.

As for Taeyong and Doyoung, they are civil with one another, they may look like they are back to normal to the naked eye, but they are far from that, Taeyong can't tell if they passed that point, or if they are way behind it so it is now far from reach, but he knows nothing will ever go back to the way it was, that normal is almost nonexistent.

“Hey, Taeyong.” Jaehyun’s unsure voice comes to disturb Taeyong’s attention that is directed to the video of owls he was watching, before he looks up to see Jaehyun leaning against the door, eyeing Taeyong carefully. Taeyong puts his phone face down onto the mattress motioning for Jaehyun to come inside., “Hey, Jaehyun, come in.”

Jaehyun sits down at the end of the bed, and takes a deep breath, “I know things are a bit awkward between us since that day… So I want to talk to you for a bit, can i?”

“Of course, I uh…. would like to apologize for my behaviour, too." Taeyong mutters looking down just as Jaehyun starts shaking his head. "No, no, it's okay, i understand why you did that, i was an asshole to you,"

"I was just…. Trying to protect Doyoung I guess? Not from you… But from himself because if i let him talk to you in that state.. you know how drunk Doyoung is, he'd spill everything and regret it the next day, and you might've fought too, so i thought that’d be a safer option, and if he still wanted to talk to you sober, then i would have let him… but he still wasn't ready.”

“I know, and i understand that now, i was just angry because i saw an opportunity and wanted to seize it, but you stopped it from happening. And the first thing that came to my mind is that you might have to do with him suddenly ignoring me, that you want to keep him for yourself, I know it's ridiculous but I was just so angry, I missed him, too.” Jaehyun smiles and reaches out to squeeze Taeyong’s hand, “Don't worry, i understand.”

“I missed you, by the way.” Taeyong says after a moment of silence passes, and Jaehyun grins widely, throwing himself at the older making him yelp and fall down on the mattress, “I missed you tooooo, you have no idea.” He says wrapping his arms around him, Taeyong just giggles and tries to wiggle himself into a more comfortable position.

“Am i interrupting something?” Comes the voice of none other than Doyoung himself, making Taeyong freeze, “Oh Doyoung, hey!” Jaehyun says, turning his head towards the figure making his way to the opposite bed.

Doyoung sits down, facing them with his eyes focusing on Taeyong, making the older blush in embarrassment, he doesn't know why, but Doyoung’s unwavering gaze makes something light up inside of him, something that he definitely wants to experience again and again and again. Taeyong feels Jaehyun’s weight being lifted off him and he looks up at the younger who sits down at the end of the bed, “We were just talking,”

Doyoung raises his eyebrows at Jaehyun whose face holds an amused look, “cmon loverboy, you know i'm not out to steal your boyfriend, don't get jealous.”

“I'm not jealous.”

“He's not my boyfriend!”

They both say in unison and Taeyong heats up at Doyoung’s lack of acknowledgement of the fact that Jaehyun just called them boyfriends. The said Jaehyun then turns around and directs his attention to Taeyong, smirking “Yet.”

“If you are done talking to Taeyong you can fuck off now.”

“Ouch,” Jaehyun says, placing his hand on his chest, “Fine, I’m going. so you can have your privacy”

“It’s 11pm, we’re going to sleep!” Doyoung yells for Jaehyun who just waves as he closes the door, leaving Taeyong and Doyoung to stare at one another.

“Goodnight.” Doyoung says and lays down, turning around so his back faces Taeyong who is filled with nothing but disappointment. He doesn't know what he was expecting, especially since Doyoung told him he’s giving him his space until he makes a decision, but it definitely isn't Doyoung going to sleep and leaving him pouting.

Damn Jaehyun for raising my hopes up.

He huffs and does the same as Doyoung, but he doesn't sleep, instead he unlocks his phone and starts playing flappy bird. If he's being honest, he hasn't thought about it that much, since he already knew what he wanted, but he needed the time to make sure it is what he wants, and that the idea did not only sound appealing to him because he missed Doyoung, and now that he’s sure, he is scared to tell Doyoung, thoughts like ‘What if he doesn't want the same thing’ and ‘what if he isn't ready’ stopped him from speaking up everytime he tried to, so he kept silent.

But he doesn't want to do that, because he realized that the fear of speaking up is the reason they are where they are today, and that he is doing the same thing he got mad at Doyoung for doing, so he takes a deep breath and decides that he is doing it, right here, right now, so he doesnt chicken out.

He gets up, placing his phone on the nightstand, and making his way to Doyoung’s bed, at first he thinks about asking if Doyoung is awake, but he doesn't want Doyoung to look at him when he speaks, so he does the first thing that comes to his mind: Laying down next to Doyoung and circling his waist, making the younger tense.

The feeling of Taeyong’s breath fanning the back of his neck, with his heart beating rapidly against his back and his arms around his waist, Doyoung thinks he’s dreaming, because Taeyong being this close to him, has only existed in his dreams.

“You know,” Taeyong whispers, and Doyoung realizes his lips are so close to his ear, because they brush lightly against it, Doyoung would have missed it if it isn't for the fact that its Taeyong, and he is always on edge when around Taeyong, losing connection to his surroundings and only focusing on him.

“Yes?” Doyoung whispers equally as quiet, afraid that if he raises his voice the tiniest bit, Taeyong will be gone, and he will wake up to realize it's another day of not having Taeyong the way he wants to have him.

“Until now, they haven't discovered a way to time travel yet,” Doyoung furrows his eyebrows, “They know they need to surpass the speed of light, but they don't know how to yet.”

“Why are you telling me this?”

“My point is, we don't have the ability to go back in time and change the past yet, and we won't in the near future, so everything you did and everything we went through, we can't change it”

Doyoung’s heart drops, but he takes Taeyong’s hands in his own and squeezes, urging him to go on.

“What we can change, however, is the future.” He pauses, taking a deep breath, “And i don't want the past to affect whatever future i can have with you.”

“You mean that….”

“What i mean is, we both made mistakes, we were both hurting, all because of a misunderstanding that could have been prevented by talking. So here I am, talking to you, because I don't want the past to repeat itself. I'm telling you now, loud and clear, that I am in love with you, Kim Doyoung. I may not know what will happen in the future and it terrifies me, but i'm willing to find out with you, and i'm sure the experience will be less terrifying, as long as I'm with you, if you'll have me."

Doyoung stays silent for a moment, then two, and Taeyong is about to get up to mourn in his own bed, but a sob breaks out from the figure next to him and he freezes. "Are you…. Crying?" 

Doyoung turns around, quickly burying his head in Taeyong's shoulder, circling his waist and gripping him closer, "I'm just… So happy.."

Taeyong can feel the wetness of the younger's tears soaking his shirt wet, but it's the least of his concerns as he starts tracing random shapes into Doyoung's back, to provide a bit of comfort and encouragement for him to continue.

"You have no idea how long i waited for this.. despite being sure it's not gonna happen, i still hoped for it to, that by some miracle, you'll want me the same way that i want you, and now that it happened…"

Another sob echoes through the room, and Taeyong starts kissing Doyoung's head, muttering a series of "It's okay"s until the younger stops shaking in his hold.

"Are you okay now?"

"Yes…. yes." Doyoung says chuckling, raising his hand to wipe the remaining tears on his face while Taeyong plays with his hair, "This is embarrassing I'm sorry.."

"It isn't, it's okay."

They stay in silence for a few moments, just enjoying the little shared touches and sweet moment, until Doyoung decides to break the silence, "Does that mean we're boyfriends now?" Taeyong hums.

"We are wherever you want us to be, we don't have to put a label on us if you don't want to, or we can wait until you decide what label you want to use, it's all up to you."

"I think I've waited long enough," He leans in to kiss Taeyong's forehead, "Besides, people referring to us as 'boyfriends' felt nice to hear."

Taeyong giggles and leans in to connect their lips in a sweet, slow kiss.

Their first kiss was aggressive, kind of a way to relieve the shared tension, but this one is nothing like that, it's softer and more emotional, it felt like reassurance, like a promise that no matter what the future holds, they'd be fine, as long as they have each others, as long as they are close enough.

**Author's Note:**

> kudos and comments are deeply appreciated! 
> 
> u can talk to me on  
> [twitter](https://twitter.com/typoIaris?s=09)  
> [cc](https://curiouscat.qa/typolaris?s=09)


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